Part One
Questing Heroes With Short Attention
Spans and Bad Memories
Once upon a time, a long time ago, in a beautiful kingdom known only as "that land"
there lived a mighty warrior known as Chappy Chappy. His other name was Mike. Mike's
computer kept doing stupid things. It had been possessed by an extremely wacky modem.
The name of the nefarious modem, who's mention would send chills down the spine of
anyone who hadn't already frozen to death was sometimes "square, square, square,
square, bracket ( { ), square", but sometimes it was something else, although all its names were similar,
except for it's alias, pchg. Chappy Chappy, and his second cousin, twice removed,
"Victor Banana" (he died a while ago, but I wished him back with the dragon balls)
set out to destroy the evil and defective card. However, they couldn't because it's expensive,
that's why. So, very disappointed, they set out to receive the gift of rebate from
the incomplete apple. 200 U.S. dollars would be theirs if they could complete the
five quests. First they must locate the evil box and slay it. However, they might need
the corpse of the wicked cardboard monster for future transportation, so it could
not be smashed, or burned, and neither could it be cut excessively. Victor Banana
bravely surprised the foul beast, and flipped it on its back. Chappy Chappy plunged his
sword, the ancient Vedic blade into the soft underbelly which had been exposed by
Victor Banana, who was his cousin accompanying him on the quest. With much hacking
and cutting, Chappy tore from the box its three chambered cardboard heart. The first chamber
of the heart was the part number and bar code, the second the serial number and bar
code, and the third was the product description. This was the only quest which was
interesting, the other four were boring and stupid, but kind of hard too. As they were
about to photocopy the itemized sales receipt (quest # 4) they were confounded by a voice which spake, but had no body and no mouth with which
to speak. And it bespake unto them: "Vote Cthulu for President! Why settle for a
lesser evil?" and having said thusly, the voice fell silent. And then Victor Banana,
being the one who has died, but is not dead, turned and said unto his second cousin, twice
removed: "Let us no longer pursue this quest of the rebate, because it is stupid,
but rather let us abandon it and take up a new quest: to vote Cthulu for President
as this voice has commanded us to do." And the people of the library in which the two
heroes had been photocopying were filled with fear of them, for they were weird.
But two girls of the library were unafraid, and wanted to accompany the two heroes
because they too had heard the voice which had no mouth. "Although we are girls, we have the
right to go on quests as well!" they said, and Chappy Chappy knew that they would
be sexist pigs if they did not allow the girls to vote Cthulu, because it was not
really as long a time ago as I said earlier.
And so, the four wanderers set off on their quest to vote, filled with resolve and
certainty that they would not fail. However, none of them knew how or where to vote.
And when they asked a person whom they happened upon on the road, that person would
be filled with fear of them and would not say, for they were weird. Those who did not
fear them did not know but that they wanted to go along and vote as well. Three times
thirteen people did follow them thusly, and Victor Banana and Chappy Chappy snuck
away from the group, because thirteen is an unlucky number. But each thought to himself:
"I will bring the first girls with me, because they are cute" and so all four escaped
together, even though they had not intended to. "Let us go forth and partake of the
food at Pizza Hut" One of the girls, whose name was Beireia, said, for they lived in
a cave and had no meal plan. And they did eat, and when the eating was done they
began to leave, but they had not paid and the manager did not let them leave. They
had no money, nay, not a cent, for they had not completed the five quests of the rebate, but
rather left the last one up to me. (I would have shared the money, but I wasn't there and I didn't know about the plight
which had befallen them.) The manager said: "Ye shall not leave here until the debt of the pizza which you have
eaten is repayed!" And so he demanded that they defeat the monster that lived deep
in the dishwasher. "Behold! it is just a bunch of stupid bubbles!" Chappy Chappy
said and burned the bubbles with a mighty flame. And the girls were impressed.
Having thus dispatched the stupid bubbles which until that time had frightened the
workers of the Pizza Hut with its dangerous bubbling, the four did set off once again
to vote for Cthulu. They did take a bus to Massachusetts, for Victor Banana said:
"I remember once when I did read a book!" Having said thus, and falling silent, Chappy
Chappy did jab him in the side with his elbow. "Ouch! oh, and the book did speak
of Cthulu and a city called Arkham, Massachusetts, or rather it did not speak, for
it was only a regular book I stole from B.Dalton, but it had words that meant that which I spoke
of, and I don't know the word for that." "'It read thusly:' you should say that"
Beireia said, and then they stopped talking and got on the damned bus, then they
went to sleep for their bellies were full of pizza, and they were weary from the trials
of battle. (the stupid bubbles, remember) But when they awoke, they found that they had got on the campus loop shuttle, thinking:
All buses are the same, and this one shall take us to Arkham! And the campus loop
bus just went around in a circle over and over again. Upon finding this, they were
filled with a passionate anger, and gnashed their teeth, and tore at the seats of the
bus. And the driver of the bus said: "Do not destroy the seats you assholes, for
they are not free!" and Chappy Chappy did respond "Shut up!" and burned him with
a mighty flame. Before he was dead of burning, Chappy Chappy did stop, for it was a pretty
jerk thing to do in the first place, and they set off on a new quest: to find a cure
spell to heal the old man. (That's the one who drove the bus, I forgot to say that he was also old) But Beireia said "Should we not wait until we have completed the first quest?" but
she was talking about the quest to vote, which was really the 2nd quest. "The stupid
box quest? Mike already did it." Victor banana replied, then she said "but the story
says in the very beginning that Mike is Chappy Chappy didn't it? (that was a mistake I said) oh, I meant the vote one", and he said no, that one is hard, and kind of stupid, too.
They went to the library to look up cure spells, but alas, it was closed because it
was late. And upon the ninth hour of the next day they awoke, having gone to sleep
on the ground. "Ouch! Truly, my back doth hurt!" lamented Beireia. "Mine too, let
us sleep no more upon the cold hard earth, but rather in a bed or something" did say Chappy
and they went into the library. After much looking and searching, they found an ancient
text entitled World Book Encyclopedia and it did read thusly: "Cure spell is a white magic that heals wounds. It doesn't work on dead people, or people who are almost
dead and aren't used to being hurt. It has been used offensively with some success
against the undead.Cure uses 3MP. See also: Cure2, Cure3, Heal" And they got really
mad at that, for everyone knows what cure does, they wanted to know how to cast the spell,
but no, that's asking too much, here, did you know that it heals wounds? stupid
book. Said Victor Banana: "Surely the secret of cure magic is revealed in the forbidden
pages of the book of the dead, the horrifying NECRONOMICON."
"Yeah, but certain am I that this library does not have the Necronomicon, it is probably
in that stupid Arkham city with Cthulu" Chappy Chappy did say in a sarcastic manner,
for he was angry. Umm.. yeah it is, let's go rent the video instead. okay we'll go
to Hollywood, the video place I mean, not LA. And they did rent it, and having rented,
they did watch upon the downstairs TV at Andrews. But there was no mention of cure
magic, or any white magic at all, it was mostly evil stuff. So they looked for cure
magic on the internet , but found that the URL server does not exist. And, frustrated,
they did search in vain for tank pictures, finding only far away pictures, or stupid
old tanks that look dumb. And just as they were about to admit defeat, Beireia's
companion, the other girl, whose name I forget spoke up: "Oh, I forgot that I
know cure magic!" And Beireia was consumed with fury, and struck her upon the head,
saying: "You stupid bitch! You always do stuff like this! Maybe if you talked about
stuff once in a while, you wouldn't forget it!" This hurt the other girls feelings
(oh yeah, I remember now, her name was Ionil Banana, but she wasn't related to Victor
Banana because it's a different kind of banana) and she began to cry. But Beireia did not hear her, and neither did Chappy Chappy,
for they were talking about how to find the burned old bus driver. But Victor Banana
heard her, and he did console her with soothing words. And a great love grew between
them, and they were married, and they did raise a daughter, whose name was Tatanya Positronic
Banana. But that was later, like after this story, of course. Before all of that,
Chappy Chappy and Beireia decided to go to the bus station, because that's where
buses are, and so that's where bus drivers must be.
Upon their arrival at the bus station in which they hoped to find the bus driver who
Chappy Chappy had burned nearly to death they were accosted by Eric. Not a word did
they speak to him, for lo, his belfry if full of bats, and he is also missing a few
cards from his deck, he is not playing with a full one. High and low did they look for
the crispened driver of buses, but in vain, for he was not there. And all the passengers
of buses had gone to where they were going, no one was there besides them except
for Eric, and they were loath to speak with him, for he had a few screws which were loos'd,
his marbles were not there, he has lost them. However, they put their concerns aside
for the sake of the quest, and asked Eric where the carbon-encrusted bus driver could be found. "'Ere I tell you the true location of said driver, first shall you try
my solitaire sample, else I shall not tell thee!" The unbalanced fool did say. "Ha!
I am Chappy, and I accept your challenge! I shall play your solitaire sample!" I
guess you know who said that, so there is no need for me to tell you. (I won't say either) Much later Eric informed Chappy in a menacing cackle that his longest losing streak
was 156 losses, and his shortest time was no wins yet, so Chappy split his head with
a mighty punch. And all the dust and worms that had eaten his brains did spill onto
the bus station floor. But he deserved it, that rotten bastard must have cheated, It's
impossible to lose 156 straight games of solitaire, It's a game of luck, and how
come that goddamn 3 was always there? But the others were not mad at him, because
Eric probably didn't know anything about the burned bus driver, and anyway, Beireia figured
out that he was probably at the burn victim part of the hospital, and why didn't
she think of it sooner? she wondered.
Before they could get in, the nurse at the hospital wanted to see ID and know about
insurance or something like that, and they were all confounded, for it was too complicated,
and anyway they didn't need attention, they just wanted to see that old burnt guy. Victor Banana stepped forth and brandished his sword "Stay behind me, I shall hew
a path through the vile troll which stands in the way of our quest!" and the nurse
moved out of the way, and hid beneath the desk, afraid. So they went on, and they
looked in all of the rooms looking for the old man. The doctors left them alone out of fear
of them, for they were weird. And they finally found him in RLM 7.212. It took a
long time because they couldn't tell him from the other burned people. When they
found him, Ionil cast the spell of cure on him, and he was healed, although he really shouldn't
have been. (go back and read what it said in the encyclopedia) And he was mad at Chappy for burning him, and so were the doctors and visitors and
some other people who didn't know what was going on, but they were mad anyway. So
Chappy Chappy laughed and slightly singed them with a not-very-mighty flame, but
it looked pretty mighty, for it was big enough to engulf them all. And they were terrified,
for they thought they would be burned to a crisp, even though Chappy was just making
fun of them. "Ha Ha! You are quick to be angry, and point your finger with righteous
indignation, but Lo! see how you cringe in the face of any sort of danger!" and he did
look cool, but as he was leaving he tripped over a nurse who was cowering on the
floor, and ruined it.
End Of Part One
Chapter Two