Part Three

Department Store of Terror



Once upon a time, in a department store not very far away, Beireia and Ionil Banana decided that they should shop. And their men, Chappy Chappy and Victor Banana were forced to accompany them. The young daughter Banana of Victor and Ionil, Tatanya Positronic, also was brought along. And Beireia did shop for a rifle, and Ionil did search for a pretty dress to find, but in vain, for those that she found were ugly, or at least that's what Victor Banana said when she asked him if he liked it. In fact, Victor Banana was cleverly avoiding having to buy the dresses, which is what he would have had to do if he said he liked them. He couldn't steal things anymore, because he had to be a role model for Tatanya. "Is this one nice?" Ionil asked him. "You already asked me about that one, and it's still ugly." Oh said she. Victor decided that he would have to find an inexpensive garment for his wife himself, but he wasn't going to try it on or anything. He selected an item which resembled a bag of flaxen cloth. A young saleswoman he did accost, saying: "You there! try this dress on!" And the girl was frightened, but she responded "Why should I?" in a defiant manner. "I want to see how it will look on my wife, I shall buy it.... It's a uhh... surprise!" And the girl wanted to say that it was not a dress, but rather a bag that the clothes come in, but she did not, for fear of him. When she came out, the entire store was shocked at her appearance. "I thought it would be ugly, but it's great! Thank you very much!" Victor said to her, but she didn't want to give it up. Suddenly a strange man took the bag, leaving her naked, and it was Tommy Hilfiger. "Wow! what a find! I'll just slap my logo on it, and make millions!" But he was not fast enough, and Victor Banana shattered his knee by throwing his shoe. "That's mine, you bastard!" he exclaimed. And the salesgirl did stomp on his face. Angry and naked was she. Victor quickly returned to Ionil and gave her the bag. "Here, try this on!" Okay was the reply that she said. And she did return to the dressing room.
Meanwhile, Chappy Chappy had gone to the toy store and played on the toys. All the children were afraid of him, for if he became stuck in a slide, or if a scooter did not fit him, he would swear and howl in a furious tone. $%*& worthless &##@! he would say. Then he did play with the action figures, and made them fight, but as you probably expected, he was too violent, and knocked their heads off, and burned them to ash with his mighty flame. Then Geoffrey the giraffe was angry and made him leave the store(Toys 'R' Us), but Chappy did not retaliate, for he knew it was wrong to have destroyed the toys, and was ashamed. He went upstairs, trying to find his friends Victor and Ionil Banana. Then he saw some clothes in an empty dressing room. Haha! he said to himself "Finders keepers, losers weepers!" he did not know what it meant, exactly, but he assumed it was that he had to keep stuff that he found, or he would be a loser, and end up crying about it, or something like that. He continued on in his quest to find bananas (get it?), spotting a naked girl on the way. "Ho, fiend Chappy! hast thou bought anything?" Victor did call to him. And Chappy told the story of the maimed action figures, but not the one about the clothes, and neither did Victor ask why he was holding girls clothes balled up in a wad. Just then, Ionil appeared, resplendent in the cloth bag. Wow they all did say. "The bag becomes you, Ionil!" Chappy added, and Victor did show his agreement. Having examined the stores supply of firearms, a disappointed Beireia did greet the three, also expressing satisfaction with the bag.
"Let us leave then" Ionil said. And as she walked toward the exit, it became apparent that she had forgotten about Tatanya Positronic. Beireia asked, what about her, but she didn't know what she was talking about. "Your daughter, fool!" she responded angrily. "Oh, oh yeah, her. Ummm I guess we shouldn't leave without her, then." And Beireia got mad, and slapped her in the head for being stupid. Victor Banana was uncomfortable with this, and wanted to say something, but Chappy Chappy said that they should go find Tatanya Positronic, and so they left the two women to their business. (fighting) In the power tools department they found her, she was lost. Also with her was the girl who had no clothes. "Hey, Beireia, check it out, Tatanya's got a pretty nice body!" Chappy subtly whispered to his woman. This is what happened in Chappy Chappy's mind. In reality, Beireia was several departments away, so he had to scream extremely loudly so she would hear, and it was not in the least bit subtle. "Hey! don't look at my daughter like that!" a shocked Victor Banana did say, not realizing that Chappy had been looking at the naked salesperson and thought she was Tatanya Positronic. He then kicked Chappy in the head, causing him to fall over. "She's like not even half your age!" but Chappy protested, saying that he was only 18. But this was ridiculous, for he was in college before Tatanya was born, and that was 16 years ago, so said Mr. Banana. "I don't remember 16 years, it's only been like a week! well maybe two weeks." spake Chappy from the floor. They made so much noise that the naked girl noticed them. "Hey! what did you do with my clothes?!" she asked of poor innocent Victor. Chappy Chappy thought she was talking to him, since he had taken clothes earlier that day. "Finders keepers, losers weepers!" he said, brandishing his deadly Vedic Blade. And the salesgirl saw that she could not defeat him in combat, and would never have her clothes back. She became overcome with sorrow, and wept uncontrollably. "Why do you want girls clothes, anyway?" she sobbed. The reason was because he didn't want to be a loser, and he told her this. But he was sad too, and everyone else was sad, and soon the entire store was crying. So he gave her back her clothes, and became a loser.
Once again clothed, the girl who had been naked thanked Chappy Chappy, and kicked him in the face. It didn't hurt him, but he pretended that it did, and started crying again: boo hoo hoo! "Hey, you made uncle Chappy Chappy cry!" said Tatanya. "Oh! do you know him?" did the confused sales-girl say, for she was a school friend of Tatanya Positronic Banana. And Victor her father was angry at her and said: Chappy is not your uncle, do not tell anyone that he is related to us! This was of course seen as an insult by Chappy Chappy, and he did decide that he had taken enough abuse today, not to mention clothes. He plucked a power mower from the shelf, started it, and swung at Victor Banana, who ducked and rolled away. "Stop rolling, you bastard!" spake Chappy. And the formerly naked girl who was also Tatanya's friend said that she was sorry, and shook him, making him listen, and put down the lawn mower, for there are no lawns inside the store. And Beireia came, asking where was Tatanya, also bringing Ionil along behind her. "You missed it, Beireia, this girl here was naked just a minute ago!" guess who said that! Damn! she said, and tried to pull the girls clothes back off. But she was ready, and got away, and Beireia lost interest.
And so, they were done in the store, so they left. Into the concrete valley wandered they, searching for the bananamobile. But they could not remember (surprise surprise) if they were at C4 or K9. actually it was neither of those, it was A1, the closest row, so it's pretty stupid for them to forget. anyway, they wandered for forty days and nights, or something like that. After a while they weren't even in the parking lot, they had wandered into the "getto". Chappy Chappy got impatient, and decided that they should take someone else's car, for they would be searching forever otherwise. There were no objections, except from the formerly naked girl, who had been fired for indecent exposure. She said that they would be shot by foos, but everyone knows that foos can't shoot strait. "It's because they hold their gats sideways." Tatanya Positronic told her. They saw a pimped out G-ride, a '64 impala, and decided to take it. Chappy Chappy and Beireia went inside to get the keys, and Victor Banana tried to pick the lock with a twig from off the ground. Inside the foos were engaged in debauchery: taking draughts from 8-ball and talking funny. "what, then?" one said when they asked who had the keys. Beireia divided him into 42 equal sections with her sword, and Chappy began to hack the others up in a much less orderly fashion, but one got away out the window. They didn't care, and so left the house of foo. "Jesus! did you kill them all?" asked the frightened girl, whose name I will make up sooner or later. Although she was horrified, they thought that she was amazed at Beireia and Chappy's skill, and they started bragging. "I want to be like Beireia when I grow up" Tatanya confided to her friend. Into the car did they all clamber, and drove away.
Green was the car, and it shone splendidly in the sun. By now, Tatanya was an excellent driver, and she handled the crowded vehicle with ease. The serenity of the drive was marred, however, by the discordant tunes of the notorious B.I.T.C.H. which spewed forth from the radio. "Hey, change the stupid station!" Beireia suggested. However, despite the best efforts of the Banana clan, the radio would not change, and they had to listen forever. Well, okay not forever, but it didn't shut up even when they turned the car off. Alas! the escape'd foo did alert the police, and they caught up with our unfortunate heroes. Pulled over on the side of the road, two coppers did emerge. One was fat, and the other was skinny, and ate from a bag of chee-tos. With them was the last of the foos, Honeycut Posterino, a narrow girl. "can you identify the pupurtraters?" said the fat cop, as the other ate chee-tos. And the girl told them that she could, and indicated Beireia and Chappy Chappy. "We didn't tell you to do it" the chee-to cop said in a nasal voice "we just asked if you could." what a dumb joke. But the fat cop realized who they were, and began a sorrowful monologue: "Alas, they are Chappy Chappy and Beireia, the stars of this story, and we cannot arrest them, for if we did the story would end, and we would cease to exist, or they would kill us and escape!" but the cheeto guy felt that they should arrest them, and the story would continue with part four: Inmate antics. But they would break out quickly, of course, just burn the bars with the mighty flame, and probably kill a whole lot of cops on the way out. Again the skinny fellow had a response: "what if we used fire-proof bars?" but they don't make fire-proof bars, they are all made from metal, which melts. But what if they did the foolish cop pressed on. And they all were filled with a passionate fury, even the foo, and Victor, Chappy, Ionil, and Beireia all chopped a cop, leaving them both in severe pain, but not dead, cuz I want to use them again later in the story. Again, Honeycut Posterino was ignored, and again she escaped.
Vroom went the car, and they started back towards the place where the Bananas lived, you know, that thing....., oh well. And they did arrive there, and each was tired. Before they could sleep, a shrill voice said... yeah, it's a house, that's what I wanted to say! anyway that girl from the store, her name is gasoline girl. And Gasoline girl asked why they did not take her home? But noone knew how to get to her house, they didn't really know how to get anywhere, it would be weeks before they left the house again. And this disturbed the poor girl, who wanted to see her family, and go to school, so she could pass, rather than fail, which is what you do if you don't pass. She wept tears of bitter sorrow: "I hate you! you won't get away with this!"
End of Part Three


Chapter Four