Part Two
Victor Banana's Daily Life
Came the seventh day of the seventh month of the seventh year after the questing heroes
completed their quest and went their separate ways, and in his mailbox, Victor Banana
found a letter for himself, presumably to read. It was a message from Chappy Chappy, and it did read thusly: Forsooth! I have slain an evil mattress, and to celebrate,
I shall come and visit at thy home. Thought Victor: "Alas! My friend Chappy Chappy
is coming, and he shall bring Beireia, and they will be mean to my wife Ionil, and
my daughter Tatanya Positronic Banana!" but he was not the sort to scheme against his
friend, so he did nothing. And Ionil was happy that her old friend Beireia was coming,
even though Beireia was usually mean to her. And Tatanya Positronic was exited, for
she could not remember the last time that her daddy's friends came to visit. It was not
a long time ago, for they came to visit every time one of them killed something,
even if it was something stupid, like a cow, and they killed stuff alot, like every
week, she just forgot. It may seem that Chappy and Beireia were jerks to impose so upon
the house of Banana, but they had no house of their own, they just wandered about
slaying things, and slept upon the ground. Bums were they.
Soon the day of Chappy's visit arrived, and so did Beireia and Chappy Chappy. However,
they had forgotten to tell Victor Banana of the date of their visit, so no-one was
home. And they did wait for them upon the doorstep, for a long time, and presently,
young Tatanya arrived, returning from school. "Well met, little Tatanya! you are growing
up to be a strong young woman!" Thus spoke Chappy. But Tatanya Positronic's heart
was filled with terror, for they did look like demons. They were soaked in the blood
of their enemies, and having no house, only washed their faces and neck. Chappy's hair
was stiff because it was dirty, and it stuck up like a flame. Beireia hair was bright
red always, and although their faces were clean, and handsome to look upon, they
always wore an evil visage, they were scary looking. Tatanya shrieked in terror, and
fled, but she tripped over the root of a tree, falling on her face with a "splat".
And Chappy Chappy and Beireia laughed, for it was funny, a trip in fact. (ouch!) When she heard the laughter of her fathers friends, Tatanya Positronic remembered
who they were, and was no longer afraid. "Let us go forth into the house of Banana,
and celebrate with a great feast!" Chappy said very loudly, because he was trying
to make himself heard over Beireia laughter, who was still thinking about when Tatanya fell
on her face. "Splat!" she chuckled.
Into the pantry the youngest Banana led the group, and there they did select their
feast. Their hostess ate 2 cup o' noodles, and Chappy Chappy and Beireia ate 17 cup
o' noodles apiece. And then, satisfied with the hearty feast, and poisoned with 20740
milligrams of sodium, both fell backwards in their chairs into a deep sleep and onto the
ground. There they lay, asleep, and there they lay when Victor and his wife Ionil
arrived. "What dire fate has befallen my friends?" Victor Banana and Ionil said.
"It looks like sodium poisoning. Tatanya, you didn't feed them more than five cup 'o noodles
did you?" But the young girl did not remember, she might have, but she forgot. So
they took their friends to the emergency room, and there got a doctor to heal their
friends. (cure magic doesn't fix poison) But the doctor said "Hey! this is that guy who came in here burning people with his
'mighty flame'!" That was more than seven years ago, but he remembered, because an
elephant has nine lives, or something. The doctor continued: "I transferred out of
the burn ward just to avoid maniacs like him, and who do I.." Then Chappy Chappy kicked
him in the face, but not very hard. He had awakened, because he was tough against
sodium. Then Beireia woke up, and they left. But on the way back, they got lost,
because Tatanya isn't a very good driver, she forgot which turn to take, and after a while they
ran out of gas. So, trapped by fate, the heroic five set out on a quest for fuel.
First they looked for a gas station. They saw the Lucky Buy or Stop sign, and proceeded
in that direction, which was east. Forsooth! the gas station was surrounded by foos! Chappy Chappy
wanted to slay them, but the Bananas had left his Vedic Blade at their house when
they went to the hospital. So they just went in. They there bought $20 of gas, a
bag of Knuts, and 4 40s (160) of Olde E 800 (128000). Proceeded they to the gas pump where they would get their gas. However, the car
was a long way away, and they had nothing to carry the gas to it. Chappy suggested
that Tatanya Positronic Banana drink it, then when at the car, vomit into the tank.
Victor Banana disliked this idea, asking why did not Chappy drink the gas? And he did reply:
"What if I forgot about it and used a mighty flame? I would then explode! Besides,
I got all these Knuts." But Tatanya can't drink it, her stomach's too small. Then
Beireia was impatient and drank 17.98 gallons of gas herself, and it was nasty. The foos
murmured with confusion. "Why she be drink that gas fo when she gots a fotie?" And
again, Chappy Chappy wanted to slay them, but he had no sword, he couldn't use his
flame or Beireia would blow up, and if he beat them all to death it would take a while,
and Beireia would get sick from the gasoline, so he couldn't. They then walked back
to the car, and vomited forth into the gas tank (all the noodles had been digested)
Beireia did not trust Tatanya to drive, for she was only seven. No one else wanted
to drive, so she drove herself, in the southern direction. 10 meters had she got,
when she drove over a bunch of trash cans, and hit a parked little car, like a civic
or something. Then Chappy Chappy was angry, and made Beireia not drive, and he did drive,
though to him driving was loathsome, and steeped in vileness. He went really fast,
turning a corner at 324 kph and flipped the car all the way over so that it did land
back on the wheels, so it didn't hurt anyone, but they were pretty scared. They got home
in 3 minutes and 14 seconds. By that time, they were hungry again, but in the pantry
they saw not a single cup o' noodles, rather they had to eat fruit and stuff. When
they had eaten their fill of fruit and stuff, they decided to go to the arcade. They all
played Tokyo wars, and house of the dead. Then Chappy Chappy tried to play Tekken
3, but this expert guy who though he was cool, you know, no life but for the arcade,
came up and beat him several times. "Oh! you are a pretty good fighter, huh?" quoth Chappy,
in an angry tone. "Ha ha! I guess you could say that!" the nerdy fellow did reply.
WHACKO! You can probably guess what happened next: Chappy mushified his face with
the hurricane of a thousand strikes punching technique. "Ha ha! well I guess I can't
say that after all, can I?" he did say, throwing pennies upon the body of the guy.
Then they had to leave, because of the police and all.
"A bath?" Beireia and Chappy did in unison say. "I don't know, it sounds fishy." (you know, like fishes live in water, and the bath?! oh, forget it) But the clan Banana did insist, for Chappy Chappy and Beireia were still covered
with blood and gas and stuff: filthy were they. So, without waiting for them to agree,
Victor Banana hefted his guest Beireia over his head, and threw her into his bathtub.
Chappy jumped in to save her, cracking his head firmly on the bottom. He floated to
the surface, which was as a carpet made of bubbles, and said thusly in the tones
of the unconscious: "BLAAAAAH!" And Beireia did freak out, for she was surrounded
by her ultimate enemy, bubbles. She did cling to the senseless body of Chappy Chappy "Aaaaah!!
Hey! Wake up! use your mighty flame on these bubbles! hey! aaaah! they're getting
on me!" she did shriek. And Victor did feel guilty, for he did not know that Beireia
was so afraid of bubbles. Into the tub (it's one of those really big ones, like a small swimming pool) he did leap, and cracked his head firmly on the bottom, like an idiot. Beireia did
faint from fear of bubbles after screaming for a few more minutes, and the three
did float together. Ionil tried to use Cure on them, but alas, Cure only recovers
hp, she needed Heal, but she doesn't know that one. Tatanya suddenly remembered the plug on
the bottom of the tub, and removed it with a great pull. Out it did come, and the
water did drain forth into the hole, leaving only a thick layer of bloody bubbles,
and revealing our three heroes. Behold! Chappy Chappy and Beireia were clean!
End of Part Two
Chapter3